


You Know You're a Dwarfer When...

by Lauren (notalwaysweak)



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-05-22
Updated: 2002-05-21
Packaged: 2017-10-05 21:50:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/46377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notalwaysweak/pseuds/Lauren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You know you're a Dwarfer when...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Red Dwarf characters belong to Grant Naylor.

... you wear an 'H' on your forehead to school, and honestly can't understand why people keep staring at you funny...

... your greeting to people consists of a certain five-loop salute, and your goodbye is 'Toodle-pipski'...

... at any time you're liable to mutter under your breath 'Yes Mr Lister sir, eee, eee, eee, eee' when anyone tells you to do something...

... your computer plays the theme when you boot it up, and says, 'Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast!' when you shut it down...

... Tuesday mornings see you talking in a Scouse accent -- again -- while one of your friends does the Cat's yowl and you both do the 'Boyz From The Dwarf' hand dangle, while the rest of your group looks at you like you're Martians...

... you write 'I am a fish' during exams, write 'Sono un pesce' during the Italian exam, even incorporate it into the creative story you had to write for the Italian exam, and everyone knows you'd rather be learning Esperanto anyway...

... you walk into the kitchen and go to your mum 'Feed me!' before producing a small hand mirror and scrutinising your appearance, then twirling and yowling your way out of the room...

... you get pulled over by a cop and say 'Sorry, I can't drive, I'm used to piloting Starbug 2'...

... you're a cop, and you accept this excuse...

... you spend hours crafting a small metal 'H' to stick on your forehead...

... you tell people stories about how you are your own father/mother and were abandoned under a pool table at birth...

... you need glasses, so you get ones like Rimmer's (Holoship)...

... your friends start calling you Lister, Kochanski, Rimmer, etc...

... you answer all questions where you don't know the answer with 'I am a fish'...

... you start humming/singing the theme/Tongue Tied/the Munchkin song in public and don't feel self-conscious... better yet one of your friends actually joins in with you...

... you spend hours writing a 'You know you're a Dwarfer when...' list...

... you pretend you are the Polymorph/a Rogue Simulant/Dr Landstrom ('Twinkle, twinkle little eye, now it's time for you to DIE!!!') or any not instantly recognisable character...

... your baby names list now includes Kristine, Hildegard, Pete Tranter's Sister and Barbra for a girl, and Arnold, Dave, Holly and Olaf for a boy...

... you know Rimmer's middle name (Judas, but he tells everyone it's Jonathan)...

... you know the names of Rimmer's brothers (Howard, Frank and John)...

... you want to be a Rimmette, female Cat, or Kochanski, depending on who you like best (girls only), or even Hilly if you're that weird... being Camille is actually going a little too far...

... or you want to be Rimmer, Lister or the Cat if you're a guy (if you want to be Rimmer, Lister or the Cat and you're FEMALE you need help)...

... you call your friends Rimsy, Listy, Hol, Cat or Kryters...

... you get rather put off shami kebabs diablo after watching 'Polymorph'...

... when someone says 'Red Dwarf sucks' you scream obscenities at them/give them the finger/do that little skutter gesture/tell them that the POLYMORPH is gonna get them!...

... someone gets pneumonia and you immediately look around for raining fish, spontaneously combusting mayors of Warsaw and strange people affectionately known as 'Confidence' and 'Paranoia'...

... anytime someone gets sick you tell them to go to the medi-bay and look around for a skutter to take their temperature...

... you'd be happy to cut your arm off to get rid of the Epideme virus...

... you have to write a creative story for English class and the first names that pop into your head are Craig, Chris, Danny and Chloë...

... your first name is Kristine and everyone gives you the nickname 'Kochanski'...

... you sleep with one eye open so that Rimmer can't body swap with you...

... even your Dwarfer friends think you're obsessed...

... you're the first to know when the new series is coming on...

... you wear your hair in Lister's dreadlocks...

... you wear your hair in Cat's pompadour...

... you stick an ice cream container on your head, paint it pink, and pretend to be Kryten...

... you blame everything on Rimmer sealing the Drive Plate inefficiently...

...one of your favorite pastimes is watching the new episodes trying to spot the guest stars who have been in old episodes before your friends do...

...you consider yourself to be on a first name basis with at least one of the producers/directors/stars of the show even though you've never met...

... it screens on Monday night so Monday morning sees you happy and smiling and perky while everyone else is grumpy and tired and wonders what the hell you're so high over...

... you write to TV Week asking for their fan club address, signing yourself 'Rimmer's "H"' and get really pissed when they list you as 'Anonymous'...

... you have seriously considered moving to England...

... you have seriously considered moving to Io...

... your friends seriously consider moving you to a psychiatric institution...

... you know where each scene in each opening theme came from...

... you read a thing where Chris Barrie says he never gets marriage proposals and...

... you find it very spooky when in Better Than Life (the novel) Kochanski's canister is 1121 cos that's an X-Files number (for X-Philes only)...

... your screen saver says 'Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast!' or similar...

... you can quote Space Corps Directive numbers...

... you have memorised the ep guide and get pissed when they're screened/on video out of order (Season V, and S1E4 and S1E5 are out of order on the Red Dwarf I Byte II)...

... you and two friends record your own version of Tongue Tied...

... you check your taps for the Polymorph...

... you refuse to go NEAR a sock basket...

... when someone asks you who you are, you reply, 'They call me the Kid... the Riviera Kid!' and do the dance to go with it...

... you get every joke on this page...

... you know how many times Lister has called Rimmer a smeghead...

... you know how many times Kryten has TRIED to call Rimmer a smeghead ('Smeeeg... smee hee...')...

... in your dreams you incorporate yourself into the plot of whichever ep you just watched...

... you fail your history quiz because when the teacher asks you who shot JFK you go into a long, convoluted tale about time travel and alternate selves...

... you paint your bedroom red...

... you sleep on a bunk set into the wall...

... you eat curried cornflakes for breakfast...

... you claim you once played pool with planets...

... you make up stories about you and your friends meeting parallel versions of yourselves...

... you have a RD story for every occasion...

... you want to name your kids Jim and Bexley...

... you know how to spell 'Kristine Kochanski'...

... the back of your exam paper mysteriously has 'RD' and 'I am a fish' written on it...

... you convert people to become Dwarfers...

... you know all seven Cat Commandments: Thou shalt not be cool; Thou shalt not be vain; Thou shalt not have more than ten suits; Thou shalt not partake of carnal knowledge with more than four members of the opposite sex at any one session; Thou shalt not slink; Thou shalt not hog the bathroom; and Thou shalt not steal another's hair-gel... and if you're really obsessed you FOLLOW them...

... you notice a pattern emerging in your birthday/Christmas lists: Red Dwarf videos. Red Dwarf books. Red Dwarf T-shirts. Red Dwarf actors (?)...

... you and your friends try and work out who of you is most like which character and you throw a hissy fit when your 'Cat' friend says you're not good-looking enough to be Kochanski...

... and he then adds that you're ditzy enough to be Hilly...

... when you wear an 'H' on your head to school people a) copy you and b) try to stick their arms through you...

... you name your dog Hannah, your cat Frankenstein and your bird Pete...

... you sulk for days after a fight over who plays Kochanski (you were right, it was C.P. Grogan, but as the seventh season is the one screening now your 'Kryten' friend claims it was Chloë Annett, so you lose)...

... you call people to tell them Red Dwarf is on in 15 minutes and to turn the TV on... even though it screens at 10:30 PM and most people are already asleep...

... every time you mention Red Dwarf or anything to do with it everyone you've ever met screams at you to shut up...

... you can play the theme on guitar...

... when it's exams week and someone goes 'What exam have you got?' you answer 'Astronavigation'...

... when you don't get any of the questions on your exam you stand up, salute the teacher (five loop Full-Rimmer, naturally), take one step, and pass out...

... you write on your Chrissie cards, 'Stoke me a clipper, I'll be back for Christmas!'...

... you can hear the words 'Red Dwarf' within a mile radius...

... you can do a Scouse accent...

... every time you save thirty bucks you blow it on the latest vid...

... lunchtime at school frequently becomes a karaoke session as you and your 'Cat' friend sing 'Tongue Tied' to a rather unappreciative audience consisting of your boyfriend, two people who don't even watch RD, and two people who do but try to outdo you by singing the Munchkin song... and your boyfriend threatens to kill you if he hears 'When I saw you for the first time...' ever again...

... you hear the words 'computer virus' and start humming the music from 'Gunmen of the Apocalypse'...

... you hear the word 'blue' and get a mental image of Lister kissing Rimmer...

... even the Dwarfer friend who got you hooked on RD in the first place thinks your obsession is going a little far...

... you cry over Rimmer leaving in 'Stoke Me A Clipper' even though everyone else hates him...

... you cry when Lister 'dies' in 'Epideme'...

... someone says the word 'anarchy' and you think they say 'Nanarchy'...

... you read and write fan fiction and actually think you'd make a good writer for the series...

... you used to watch The X-Files and your catchphrase was 'Trust no one', but after watching Rimmer in 'Queeg' you change it to 'Don't trust anybody'...

... two of your Dwarfer friends start having a conversation about how sexy Wilma Flintstone is.. and they're SERIOUS...

... you have a new career direction -- astronavigation!...

... you can name every episode by season and number, and when people quote stuff you can name exactly which ep it's from...

... your user names, passwords etc. are all related to RD...

... your idea of a date begins at 10:30 PM on a Monday night and ends half an hour later, and besides dissecting the ep with your Dwarfer friends the next day/on the Net, that's the extent of your social life...

... you nickname your computer 'Hilly' and your brother's computer 'Holly' and stick papers on the side of the monitor with their name and a pic of Hattie Hayridge/Norman Lovett...

... during long Maths classes you start wishing you could go into stasis...

... you read every joke on this page and enjoy reading every joke on this page and get every joke on this page...

... your assigned school Internet time is spent trying to use the links to RD sites that are 'outside the Education Selected Cache'...

... you can recite every line of your favourite ep...

... your free time is spent doing RD related activities, especially watching all your taped eps again...

... you wonder if there's anywhere you can learn Kinitawowese...

... you sit there reciting the lines along with the characters and people throw stuff at you...

... you work out how long it would take to watch every ep back-to-back, to the end of Season VIII it is just over a day...

... then you do it...

... everyone comes to you to find out what ep is on next week, or to get a plot point explained, or to find out which ads Chris Barrie did voiceovers for...

... in three months you've gathered more general knowledge about RD than you did about The X-Files in the last year...

... you write a list like this...

... you READ a list like this...

... you ADD TO a list like this...

... your idea of a fantastic party is to get your friends together and watch a few ep's back-to-back... fortunately all those friends are Dwarfers too, or if they weren't they are now...

... you become a Dwarf Relationshipper -- clamouring for Lister and Kochanski or Rimmer and Nirvana Crane to get together...

... you write fanfic about the above happening...

... you read the scripts before you see the ep and can picture every tiny detail...

... you write novelisations of episodes and monopolise the TV to gather information, which makes your family quite upset...

... you try and make your cat wear red suits and sing (???)...

... you write 'Second Technician' on a piece of paper and sticky tape it to your shirt...

... during exams you write 'I am a fish' on your spare paper...

... and then everyone who knows you does the same thing...

... you learn to play 'She's out of my life' on guitar...

... everyone who knows you actually understands why you're calling them smegheads...

... people ask you the time, you look at your watch and reply 'Ten to death'...

... people say 'How long to the end of this session?' and you put on a panicked expression and say 'Just a few seconds!'...

... you start relating everything to RD...

... part of this is likening your English teacher to a GELF... and it's true!... and any well-dressed friends to the Cat... and any smegheads to Rimmer...

... you subscribe to at least 10 RD newsgroups around the world...

... you're always sleepwalking on Tuesday mornings cos ABC just keep airing the show later and later on Mondays... sooner or later you'll be sleepwalking on Wednesdays as well because they'll have to put it on Tuesday morning and you won't get ANY sleep...

... you 'know' any of the actors/producers/crew on a first name basis...

... you write to Chris Barrie with a marriage proposal after reading an interview where he says he never gets marriage proposals...

... people call you 'Listy'...

... you know who makes up the entity aka 'Grant Naylor'...

... you want to guest star on the show, tell your friends, and your rather nasty friend says 'be a GELF, you won't need a costume'... You punch them out and inform their unconscious body in a controlled voice that you are now about to summon the Quagaars to come and get them...

... you paint 'Red Dwarf Garbage Pod' on the side of your bin. Then you erase bits of the words and tell your friends you've found the Quagaar ship...

... you consistently have dreams about being three million years from Earth, trapped on a big red spaceship, as either a cat, a slobby human, a mechanoid, a hologram, or a computer with an IQ of 6000... or something with a six in it anyway...

... your friends who don't watch the show can identify the characters simply on the basis of your repeated descriptions...

... you try out curry on pizza, vindaloos, onion on cornflakes, etc...

... you NEVER collapse face-first into your mashed potato...

... one of the rules at your house is that everyone notify you if Red Dwarf is being watched on video...

... you go through baby name books to find out the character/cast's name meanings...

... watching Red Dwarf is the highlight of your week...

... you start relating songs on the radio to Lister and Kochanski's relationship...

... or Rimmer and Nirvana's...

... Kryten and Camille's(?)...

... Cat and his suits(???!)...

... you dress in black when Ace Rimmer dies, cry every time you watch 'Stoke Me A Clipper' and salute the screen as Lister sends his body off...

... you write Red Dwarf fan fiction and think it will come true...

... you think Red Dwarf is better than other shows because it gets shown most of the year round, never mind that after staying up till eleven at night to see it you're ASLEEP for most of the rest of the year round...

... you can write the episode titles alphabetically...

... you can write character's names... BACKWARDS!...

... you now 'inexplicably' (ha) want to move to Fiji, get a sheep and a cow, and breed horses ('With a sheep and a cow?' 'No, with horses and horses!'), and grit the path with... well, we won't say...

... you watch repeats of Blackadder, The Young Ones, etc, in hopes of spotting one of the Boyz in an earlier role...

... your mum asks you to clean your room and you do that 'smee... smeeg heeed...' thing before muttering something about Series 4000 mechanoids doing ALL the work and stalking off...

... you pretend you're a hologram so you don't have to touch anything, thus meaning you don't have to work, but then your boyfriend shows up at school for once and so you have to go find Legion and become a hard-light hologram... this means that you have to pretend that someone is sticking their hand into your chest to retrieve your light bee and change you, which is quite gross... bonus if one of your friends then pretends to be Lister and you get to remove their appendix...

... you dress like the Cat...

... you clean yourself like the Cat (actually this makes you socially unacceptable)...

... you yell 'Swirly thing alert!' when anything starts going wrong...

... someone yells 'Lister!' and you turn around...

... your computer 'study' time on the Internet is taken up with looking for new RD stuff to download...

... you know all the words to the song from The Rimmer Experience...

... and sing them...

... frequently...

... you know what a comet is made of ('Gas. Some kind of gas.' 'Some kind of gas?' 'Yeah, some gas! Dunno what it's called, some gassy type of gas.' 'It's made of _ice_.' 'Exactly! An icey type of gas, that's what I said: ice, an ice gas.')....

... you know the average rainfall of the oil-rich coastal lowlands of Venezuela (three point four inches)...

... you write transcripts of the episodes...

... you start four new fan clubs for the show within a day...

... and manage to convince people to join them...

... you have pictures of any of the cast and/or crew plastered over your bedroom, school locker, diary, etc...

... you spend days on end watching the same episodes over and over, then drive everyone you know thoroughly batty by reciting the entire ep from start to finish ('To Ganymede and Titan... Look out, Earth, the slime's comin' home!')...

... you buy the Red Dwarf Quiz Book, devote days on end (again) to reading it and doing all the quizzes (usually while the TV replays a favourite ep), then work out percentages for how much you got right, then do them all again trying to improve...

... you say something weird, friends give you weird looks, and you explain with 'It's a Red Dwarf thing'...

... someone says the name 'Chris' and you immediately think of either Kochanski or Chris Barrie...

... you write Red Dwarf versions of Aqua songs and can't wait until you get the Internet to post them on the Song Society site...

... you worship Rick Mason...

... 'CC' comes to mean 'Craig Charles' instead of 'Chris Carter' to you, likewise 'NL' = Norman Lovett not Nick Lea...&gt;

... you were talking about the show in Psych class, and a friend started writing 'I am a...' on his pencil case, and you went to grab the whiteout and write 'fish'... instead he writes 'acorn'... (?)...

... you so much as open your mouth to say the word 'Red' and everyone you've ever met turns around and screams 'Shut up!'...

... you change buses solely for the purpose of riding home with your Dwarfer friend and discussing the show...

... you start getting all defensive when people bad mouth Rimmer...

... another Dwarfer friend puts up a picture of Kryten from 'Beyond A Joke' standing in the T-72, superimposed over the gazebo exploding, on the noticeboard in the foyer at school. Written on it is a speech bubble with 'Say NO to Drugs!' and as a caption, 'They make you do dumb things...' Your part in all this is to respond a few days later with a picture of Rimmer and Mr Flibble from Quarantine, captioned 'SEE?'...

... your Careers noticeboard at school now 'mysteriously' has a picture of Lister, Kryten, Rimmer, Cat and Ace on it with 'Join The Space Corps!' written across the top...

... one of your friends needs a nickname and so you start calling him 'Kryters' until he threatens to kill you...

... your school announces a 'Battle of the Bands' competition and you want to go in it with your friends and sing 'Tongue Tied'... bonus if any of your friends thinks this is a _good_ idea...

... three words: School Dress-up Day...

... 'What do you mean the black ink cartridge ran out again? Well, it wasn't _my_ fault, I was only printing another copy of the script I wrote' ...

... 'What do you mean the colour ink cartridge ran out? I _medically_ needed another picture of Rimmer!'...

... in your Physics class someone up the back of the room keeps yelling 'Rimmer' every time the teacher mentions holograms, and you always turn around...

... you have plans to move to England and watch Chris Barrie's post office box...

... words like 'astronavigate', 'smeg' and 'vindaloo' become part of your everyday vocabulary...

... you're studying velocity/time and displacement/time graphs in Maths Methods, and the teacher asks you to write a 'story' about the movement shown on the graph. A certain Dwarfer wit (not you) yells out, 'Can we make it a fiction?' The teacher agrees, and when the stories are read out you keep the entire class entertained by your tale about Starbug's escape from a GELF moon. The Dwarfer wit is impressed, the rest of the class is laughing, and the teacher has NO idea what you're going on about...

... in Physics you liken someone's experiment to the Polymorph (hey, it was polyfilla, it bubbled out of the container, and did look oddly like a certain emotion-sucking alien!)...

... the only reason you didn't finish that Red Dwarf fan-fic last night is because you were being fitted for your Canaries vest...

... you firmly believe that the purpose of the 'Crosswords and More' program on the computer is to invent impossible RD word puzzles...

... the thrill of your life is when you manage to get back to the Red Dwarf Messagrooni and see that people are actually answering your questions...

... you keep a tally of how many times you've watched each episode...

... and there are no less than five marks beside EVERY episode...

... and nineteen beside 'Blue' (or whatever your fave is)...

... even when you exclude the really crap stories from your list, you've written over 100 fan fictions...

...your new life goal is to meet all your 'new best friends' (i.e. the RD writers you've met online)...

 


	2. Reviewer's Edition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These ones come from reviews left on this when it was on the Pit, and some more from me.

**(Severa)**

...you take online compatibility quizzes to see if you could ever make it with one of Da Boyz...

...see how compatible the characters are to each other!...

...when reading plays in your Theatre class you can imagine the main characters being played by at least one of the RD actors...

...you can quote mess-ups from the Smeg Outs and Smeg Ups tapes...

...you know exactly what scene each mess-up is from...

...why did you go see 'Tomb Raider'?...

 

**(JaimeBlue)**

...you know what day is 'Gazpacho soup day' and the mere mention of the dish sends you running and screaming...

...your friend suggests an amazing scheme to cheat the soda dispensing machine, and you quietly creep away saying, 'It's your death, buddy'...

...you watch Jurassic Park and wonder why they never try to take out the T-Rex with a good cow vindaloo...

...you don't worry about death because you know that 'only the good die young', as well as where Death hurts most...

 

**(Khris Chan)**

...you go to Tomb Raider, just to see Chris Barrie...

...you find out that your college is showing Tomb Raider, for free, seven times in four days and you swear you are going to each showing (twice a night until the last day) just to see Chris (he is such a cutie!!!)...

 

**(Starbug)**

...you go to the Tomb Raider movie and yell, 'Oh my God, it's Smeghead Rimmer!' when you see Chris Barrie as the butler...

 

**(Ma Baker)**

...you say to the dinner lady at school 'fish', like when Cat asks the machine on the wall about six times for fish...

 

**(Rachel Starkey (Ringo_loves_Rachel))**

...you can quote every episode...

...if you haven't seen an episode, you have dreams about going into the video shop and hiring it...

...You dyed your hair blonde and demand that people call you Hilly. (or Holly after series 3)...

...you can read the message at the beginning of series 3... Without putting it on slow motion...

...you paint your car red/green and give it the number plate *RDDWRF* or *STARBUG*...

...you pretend you have other friends, that live away's away, and tell your other friends about the things you do. (And they all sound like things from Red Dwarf) And your friends' names are Dave, Arnold, Kryten, Cat and Kristine. Or Craig, Chris, Rob, Danny and Chloë...

...you use words like 'unbe-smegging-lievable' 'a-smegging-mazing' 'holy smeg' and 'smeggin' 'ell' in everyday speech...

...you can do the Liverpool accent...

...you believe you are going to be re-incarnated as Lister/Rimmer/Cat/Kryten/Holly/Kochanski when you die...

...you think all of this is perfectly sane...

...you have four children, and hope they are all boys so you can name them John, Howard, Frank and Arnold...

..you legally change your name to Kristine Kochanski/Arnold Rimmer/The Cat/Dave Lister/Kryten 2X4B-523P...

...you can quote the number for 'All nations attending the conference are only allocated 1 car park (which, by the way is 39436175880932/B)...

 

**(Allison Sly)**

...your significant other is British, and you're only dating them to get them to 'talk like Rimmer/Kryten/Lister/Cat/Kochanski/whomever' or to have access to more cool Red Dwarf merchandise.

...your significant other/anyone you might consider dating must love Red Dwarf with the same overwhelming obsess- er- _passion_ that you do or they'll end up dropping you like last week's old curry when they hear you quote  the show for the fifteenth time that day...

...your significant other spends the midnight hour following an Ebay auction for a Red Dwarf T-shirt that you fell in love with, and has to outbid the other bidder at the last second...

...and ends up spending over fifty dollars for it...

...and still considers it a wise spending decision...

...you consider that sufficent grounds to marry him/her...

...your only doubt upon getting married is whether or not you should wait a little longer to see if Chris Barrie/Chloe Annett/Craig Charles/etc. might become available...

...you go to work with your significant other and get into an argument with their manager about whether or not Rimmer really is a smeghead or if Lister would be an acceptable roommate...

...during the course of the conversation you find outthat one of their servers is named 'Holly'...

...and it's always crashing.

...you were a hologram for Hallowe'en...

...and you still keep the stick-on 'H' (find them at fabric stores, only a buck apiece!) in your backpack for those occasions that demand it...

...say, once a week or so...

...you get your parents into Red Dwarf...

...to the point that they insist on keeping your tapes at their house...

...and you have to ask to borrow them...

...you get your Mom a Holly shirt for Christmas...

...which she not only recognizes, but absolutely loves...

...and refuses to let you wear, unless you let her wear your Rimmer shirt...

...and damn it, stop borrowing their Red Dwarf tapes without asking first!...

...you badger your engineer significant other to rig up glowing LED eyes for your Mister Flibble puppet...

...not only have you built your own Mister Flibble, you take it to class with you...

...every day...

...to the point where the Professor calls on it for answers to questions...

...score double on this one if you use his LED eyes to 'hex-vision' your classmates for wrong answers...

 

**(Evil Jason)**

...whenever someone questions your worth, you call attention to your great ass...

...you spend a week on a sewing machine to make your own Mr. Flibble...

 

**(Jao)**

...after reading (and printing) out this list, you strive to become a serious Dwarfer...

...you have just moved to a new school and have decided it to be your life's work to recruit your new friends to be Dwarfers...

 

**(SuperFreak)**

...you think the 'Om' song is truly inspirational...

 

**(and more from Princess Lauren ...)**

...six-week mid-year break from university? Watch the entire eight serieses (?) of Red Dwarf...

...you watch Robot Wars because Craig Charles is on it (and then, once you've bought all the RD merchandise, go to KMart, find Robot Wars merch., and buy that as well... this will be a true story as soon as they cut the price enough for me to afford the stuff...)...

...you 'invent' Rasta Billy Skank CDs and sell them to poor suckers (i.e. other RD obsessees...)...

...you write a Red Dwarf/Tomb Raider crossover just so you can have Chris Barrie twice in one story... (er, that 'have' meant 'have him appear', not 'have' as in 'tie him to the bed and ravish his naked, oiled body'... we save that stuff for the Mary Sues...)...

...you watched Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me the other night, saw Harold Smith, went 'Oh my God that's the Cop from Back to Reality' (Lenny Von Dohlen), then appended, 'Although, in Red Dwarf he had more facial hair and less nubile blonde teenager attached to his face'... (hey, it was two AM, the only thing I can ever discuss rationally at two AM is sex, for some reason...)...

...you asked for Doc Martens and X-Files videos and a Linkin Park CD for your birthday, and got them, but they were all quickly thrown over in favour of the Red Dwarf t-shirt, which you weren't expecting (it's blue and has the Season Eight mugshot on the front and says 'The Usual Suspects', and when I put it on, Rimmer's head is resting on my right breast, which is pathetic I know but also quite amusing... and I went and put it on just to check, so i'm still wearing it...)...

...you're headlining on **Groovetown**. Again. (*grins* Rick calls me 'The Artist Formerly Known as Seagull Laridae' now, if you're interested.)...

...nearly everyone in the fandom knows your name...

...and half of them know your _real_ name and send you birthday/Christmas cards/presents...

...you put your Windows screensaver on 'Flying Through Space', sit in front of the screen, and sway from side to side pretending you're in Starbug...

...you heard a CD with Red Dwarf stuff on it, begged to borrow it, burnt your own copy, returned it, and _then_ introduced yourself to the owner...

...when told that the piece of RD merchandise you intend to buy off Ebay is pretty rubbish (one of the books), your exact response is to say 'Meh' and bid for it anyway...


End file.
